A bazillion years ago Chie & I got the idea for the Slicer project. It originally was meant to be a tribute to the bizarre, cut-up style of William S. Burroughs' novels, but I just couldn't imitate his style, but then we got the idea of making a collection of short horror stories, poems, or art pieces. Thus, Slicer was born. We started gathering family and friends, and we are all working on a unique piece. We did have a set date, but when I realized that 90% of us are all procrastinating slackers... it was best that we remove the set date and we have a new plan. Slicer will have its own blog online, and when someone finishes a piece, they send it in and we post it.
The project accepts any form of media from paintings, poems, short stories, and even movies. The only real guideline is they have to be in a horror theme. If you wish to be a part, email us at croutonsofdeath@gmail.com and we will add you to the sheet of people enlisted in the project. If you wish to use a pen name, just let us know.
Current people in the Slicer project.
*Chie Bird
*Kadath Bird
*Nissyen Lopez
*Chelly Bird
*Shane Lopez
*Paul Pairain
*Lukas Reed
*Naomi Sakaguchi
*Yui Nakamura
*Saulo Corona
As soon as the Slicer blog is up, we will let people know.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Itty bitty baby, itty bitty boat.
Soz, I was exploring the only theme park here in Utah, Lagoon. The bathrooms seemed to be located almost only in the western side of the park, in the kids rides area. So I take the ski lift thingy because I'm too fucking lazy to use my feet to traverse something like 7 miles for a goddamn bathroom and when I get there and go back to looking for their freefall ride (You can see it, but I couldn't find it until later in the day) and I see one of the kids rides entitled "Baby boats." I was reminded of the infamous meme, "Itty bitty baby, itty bitty boat." So I went up to some parent watching their kid on the ride, and said the beginning of the line. The woman actually got what I was saying, and said "WHat? I don't believe it!" and then I said "HABEEB IT!" and she walked away in a freaked out manner after her kid was done on the ride, so she obviously didn't understand. But then, out of nowhere, some guy yells "TWINKIE HOUSE!" and I was thinking here in my head "There are b-tards here in Utah?" and sure enough, there was. He was even a fucking mormon. I never thought I'd hear a mormon say "Baby fuck! BABY FUCK!" and while that is not particularly my favourite meme (There are times I think taste is pushed) it was entertaining to hear a mormon say that.
-Chie
-Chie
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Chie & Kadath's late as hell game reviews #1: Condemned 2:Blood Shot
Chie and I like reviewing movies, so we thought Why not review games too? We like games as much as movies! So we decided to start reviewing games. I call them 'late as hell' because if we ever review a 'new' game, its still probably a few months ULLLDD. We will, as we do with movies, review classic and not so classic games too. First up; Monoliths Condemned 2: BloodShot for the XB360 and the PS3 (XB360 Version reviewed)
I'll start off again (As I generally do in reviews for some reason.) The original Condemned: Criminal Origins was a mixed bag for me. While genuinely creepy, unique, and interestingly plotted out... I HATED the pace, the repetitious levels, the confusing ending and literally billions of loose plot ends, and how INDEFINITELY SLOWWWWWW your character was. Otherwise, as far as American Horror games go, it was a masterpiece. It's story and idea of melee > guns (I hate how so many games glorify guns and make melee the 'weak' weapon) was great.
I didn't mind the plot pacing in the first game, and although I did feel a bit tired of the gray beat down walls half way through the game, my only 'big' gripe was as you said how horribly slugish the characters movement was. Now that we've established our opinions on the original, lets move on to the sequel Bloodshot. In Bloodshot, you once again take role as former agent Ethan Thomas. At the beginning of the game, hes a homeless drug abusher and alcohoic.. and extremely violent, as he constantly hallucinates visions of the 'dark being' from the end of the original Condemned. Malcolm Vanhorn, a friend of yours from the first game as well as the uncle to the original games antagonist, Leland Vanhorn A.K.A. Serial Killer X, witnesses two gruesome murders and calls the S.C.U. imploring Ethans help before mysteriously vanishing himself. The S.C.U. decides that Ethan is the only one who knows Malcolm well enough to help find him, and decides to have Ethan help them in finding Malcolm. Thats the setup, I'm not going to spoil the rest of the "story" which further and further devolves into total bollocks.
Bollocks? I thought the story was great! It tied up so many loose ends and explained what in the holy fuck that "thing" was at the end of the original Condemned. The only bad thing about the story was the ending, which was once again a cliffhanger, possibly a bigger cliffhanger than the first, but at least you know what happened.
The story is complete bollocks because it destroys the reality from the first game, one of my favourite aspects and why I hated the ending!
LOL, WUT? The first game was not realistic. Is our city filled with violent, drug abusing bums?
Yes. They are called Mormons.
Do people with metal pistons in their cheek show up from nowhere and try and kill you?
Yes. They are called Mormon Missionaries.
Okay, stop with the fucking mormon jokes or I will castrate you with a chihuahua!
I'll stop with the mormon jokes when you stop making jokes about chihuhuas being used as murder weapons! Also to castrate me, owch. Last time it was just to kill me quickly, now its to castrate me? Yikes. Anywho, onto the gameplay. While the story disappointed me, the gamplay was an improvement over the first. You move much faster, you can now swing using both triggers and block with both which makes for more realistic feeling combat, the weapons are much more twisted, the game is much more brutal and gory, and the levels are more diverse and interesting (HOBO ARENA!!!! More on that later.) especially with the finishing moves (Giant vice FTW.)
I concur. The action was much more satisfying, and that says something to me because I thought the first had some of the best melee combat in any first person game ever. The weapons were awesome. Lolipop saw! EXPLODING BABY! (Okay, its a doll but its alive, so it counts as a mutated doll-baby that EXPLODES! If only you could really chuck babies at people and have them EXPLODE!) And my favourite finishing move wasn't restricted to only one environment (Such as Kadath's favourite, the giant vice was only in the doll factory), after you obtained the taser you could perform it as long as you had batteries and a bottle of alcohol nearby. I always said in the course of the first game You should be able to set people on fire with your taser, ESPECIALLY the super taser! Whats so super about it if it doesn't set people on fire? Well in Bloodshot once you get your taser back you can pick up an alcohol bottle and throw it on your enemies. Doused in alcohol, shock them with the taser... and FWOOF! FIRE! FIRE! FIREEEEE!
And you call the children on this street "overexcitable monkeys."
Fux j00. Anyways, my only negative with the combat is the overuse of guns. Whereas in the first condemned, guns were rare and preferably only used when your enemy too had a gun, there are several guns in Bloodshot and you can even reload, which gives them... too much longevity. I also heavily disliked the levels in which you NEEDED guns to win. It was disappointing. The game was not as scary as the original, you never get that sense of dread and fear that something is out there lurking, there are a few "jumps" in the first level where you encounter the ceiling testicles-
Sacks. Ceiling sacks.
Well... they looked like giant black scrotums, and since the 'black bloods' inside start in a fetal position which can also be called a 'fetal ball' the ceiling 'sacks' are now officially 'ceiling testicles.' My word is law. Back on track, they can scare you the first couple times but after they get repetitious and predictable. Despite not being 'scary,' Bloodshot is still creepy. The dread and utter fear of what may lie ahead may be gone but a new feeling of "This doesn't feel right..." follows you throughout the game. I think during the game I said "I have a bad feeling about this" more times than all the Star Wars movies combined. The game is no longer frightening, but it is disturbing and unsettling. It is a grade-A body horror, and the parts where you encounter Ethans 'demons' are chilling, thought provoking and interesting. They add more depth to Ethan, who was otherwise a slightly bland character in the first game. Comon Kadath, you gotta at least admit that part of the story was cool- his psychological demons.
When I said the story was bollocks, I didn't say I entirely hated the story, I just think it was incompatible with the first game, even if the ending had ties to this one, this story gets too unrealistic compared to the first game. And before you tell me again the first wasnt realistic, no, the game itself wasn't but the story was plausible and realistic up till the end. I will agree, his demon(s) was one of the best bits of the story, it does add depth and metaphors are always fun. I also liked the design of the Oro cultists, especially their leader. I want his mask.
If your chest becomes all bulgy and veiny though, I'll be pissed.
I just said I wanted his mask, not his body... Anyways, to wrap up our review, lets talk environments.
YAY!
While there are still dark, dilapidated environments, each level has a different tone to it.
My favourite was the level in the doll factory. Exploding babies, lollipop saws, and of course your favourite environmental death... the vice!
Indeed, although my favourite environment was the school. As Chie mentioned, the game is no longer so much scary just as it is disturbing. The school fit that description, the torture room was chilling. However, I also love this bit because (I told you we would get there...) it had something all violent games need. THE HOBO PIT!!!!1 THERES A FUCKING ARENA IN WHICH HOBOS FIGHT AND IMPALE EACH OTHER ON SAW BLADES!!!!!!!!!!111 Any game that has this from now on gets PROFIT from me.
Are you done yet?
Just once more. HOBOOOOOOPITTTT!!! Tee-hee.
Anywho, time for verdicts! Bloodshot improves almost every gameplay aspect from the first game, and while it exchanges a scary atmosphere for a simply unsettling one, it contains enough gory action to keep any horror fan entertained. The story is unique, cewl, and except for the cliffhanger; excellent. I am eagerly awaiting a Condemned 3. 9.5/10
I loved condemned 2. While the plot was disappointing, it had its moments. Otherwise, I agree with all of Chie's points. Also, it has a hobopit, instantly rendering it awesome. I'd even give Superman 64 a 9 if it had a fucking hobo arena with hobos impaling each other on saws. 9.4/10
I'll start off again (As I generally do in reviews for some reason.) The original Condemned: Criminal Origins was a mixed bag for me. While genuinely creepy, unique, and interestingly plotted out... I HATED the pace, the repetitious levels, the confusing ending and literally billions of loose plot ends, and how INDEFINITELY SLOWWWWWW your character was. Otherwise, as far as American Horror games go, it was a masterpiece. It's story and idea of melee > guns (I hate how so many games glorify guns and make melee the 'weak' weapon) was great.
I didn't mind the plot pacing in the first game, and although I did feel a bit tired of the gray beat down walls half way through the game, my only 'big' gripe was as you said how horribly slugish the characters movement was. Now that we've established our opinions on the original, lets move on to the sequel Bloodshot. In Bloodshot, you once again take role as former agent Ethan Thomas. At the beginning of the game, hes a homeless drug abusher and alcohoic.. and extremely violent, as he constantly hallucinates visions of the 'dark being' from the end of the original Condemned. Malcolm Vanhorn, a friend of yours from the first game as well as the uncle to the original games antagonist, Leland Vanhorn A.K.A. Serial Killer X, witnesses two gruesome murders and calls the S.C.U. imploring Ethans help before mysteriously vanishing himself. The S.C.U. decides that Ethan is the only one who knows Malcolm well enough to help find him, and decides to have Ethan help them in finding Malcolm. Thats the setup, I'm not going to spoil the rest of the "story" which further and further devolves into total bollocks.
Bollocks? I thought the story was great! It tied up so many loose ends and explained what in the holy fuck that "thing" was at the end of the original Condemned. The only bad thing about the story was the ending, which was once again a cliffhanger, possibly a bigger cliffhanger than the first, but at least you know what happened.
The story is complete bollocks because it destroys the reality from the first game, one of my favourite aspects and why I hated the ending!
LOL, WUT? The first game was not realistic. Is our city filled with violent, drug abusing bums?
Yes. They are called Mormons.
Do people with metal pistons in their cheek show up from nowhere and try and kill you?
Yes. They are called Mormon Missionaries.
Okay, stop with the fucking mormon jokes or I will castrate you with a chihuahua!
I'll stop with the mormon jokes when you stop making jokes about chihuhuas being used as murder weapons! Also to castrate me, owch. Last time it was just to kill me quickly, now its to castrate me? Yikes. Anywho, onto the gameplay. While the story disappointed me, the gamplay was an improvement over the first. You move much faster, you can now swing using both triggers and block with both which makes for more realistic feeling combat, the weapons are much more twisted, the game is much more brutal and gory, and the levels are more diverse and interesting (HOBO ARENA!!!! More on that later.) especially with the finishing moves (Giant vice FTW.)
I concur. The action was much more satisfying, and that says something to me because I thought the first had some of the best melee combat in any first person game ever. The weapons were awesome. Lolipop saw! EXPLODING BABY! (Okay, its a doll but its alive, so it counts as a mutated doll-baby that EXPLODES! If only you could really chuck babies at people and have them EXPLODE!) And my favourite finishing move wasn't restricted to only one environment (Such as Kadath's favourite, the giant vice was only in the doll factory), after you obtained the taser you could perform it as long as you had batteries and a bottle of alcohol nearby. I always said in the course of the first game You should be able to set people on fire with your taser, ESPECIALLY the super taser! Whats so super about it if it doesn't set people on fire? Well in Bloodshot once you get your taser back you can pick up an alcohol bottle and throw it on your enemies. Doused in alcohol, shock them with the taser... and FWOOF! FIRE! FIRE! FIREEEEE!
And you call the children on this street "overexcitable monkeys."
Fux j00. Anyways, my only negative with the combat is the overuse of guns. Whereas in the first condemned, guns were rare and preferably only used when your enemy too had a gun, there are several guns in Bloodshot and you can even reload, which gives them... too much longevity. I also heavily disliked the levels in which you NEEDED guns to win. It was disappointing. The game was not as scary as the original, you never get that sense of dread and fear that something is out there lurking, there are a few "jumps" in the first level where you encounter the ceiling testicles-
Sacks. Ceiling sacks.
Well... they looked like giant black scrotums, and since the 'black bloods' inside start in a fetal position which can also be called a 'fetal ball' the ceiling 'sacks' are now officially 'ceiling testicles.' My word is law. Back on track, they can scare you the first couple times but after they get repetitious and predictable. Despite not being 'scary,' Bloodshot is still creepy. The dread and utter fear of what may lie ahead may be gone but a new feeling of "This doesn't feel right..." follows you throughout the game. I think during the game I said "I have a bad feeling about this" more times than all the Star Wars movies combined. The game is no longer frightening, but it is disturbing and unsettling. It is a grade-A body horror, and the parts where you encounter Ethans 'demons' are chilling, thought provoking and interesting. They add more depth to Ethan, who was otherwise a slightly bland character in the first game. Comon Kadath, you gotta at least admit that part of the story was cool- his psychological demons.
When I said the story was bollocks, I didn't say I entirely hated the story, I just think it was incompatible with the first game, even if the ending had ties to this one, this story gets too unrealistic compared to the first game. And before you tell me again the first wasnt realistic, no, the game itself wasn't but the story was plausible and realistic up till the end. I will agree, his demon(s) was one of the best bits of the story, it does add depth and metaphors are always fun. I also liked the design of the Oro cultists, especially their leader. I want his mask.
If your chest becomes all bulgy and veiny though, I'll be pissed.
I just said I wanted his mask, not his body... Anyways, to wrap up our review, lets talk environments.
YAY!
While there are still dark, dilapidated environments, each level has a different tone to it.
My favourite was the level in the doll factory. Exploding babies, lollipop saws, and of course your favourite environmental death... the vice!
Indeed, although my favourite environment was the school. As Chie mentioned, the game is no longer so much scary just as it is disturbing. The school fit that description, the torture room was chilling. However, I also love this bit because (I told you we would get there...) it had something all violent games need. THE HOBO PIT!!!!1 THERES A FUCKING ARENA IN WHICH HOBOS FIGHT AND IMPALE EACH OTHER ON SAW BLADES!!!!!!!!!!111 Any game that has this from now on gets PROFIT from me.
Are you done yet?
Just once more. HOBOOOOOOPITTTT!!! Tee-hee.
Anywho, time for verdicts! Bloodshot improves almost every gameplay aspect from the first game, and while it exchanges a scary atmosphere for a simply unsettling one, it contains enough gory action to keep any horror fan entertained. The story is unique, cewl, and except for the cliffhanger; excellent. I am eagerly awaiting a Condemned 3. 9.5/10
I loved condemned 2. While the plot was disappointing, it had its moments. Otherwise, I agree with all of Chie's points. Also, it has a hobopit, instantly rendering it awesome. I'd even give Superman 64 a 9 if it had a fucking hobo arena with hobos impaling each other on saws. 9.4/10
Friday, July 18, 2008
Dark Night Review
Let me be the first to say, I am not a fan of comic books or superheroes. Some super hero movies I find fun, but I only want to see them once and I never have a desire to see them again. I just like movies that make you think more than action films. The Dark Knight gave me a swift kick in the ass.
Take that, Chie's ass. You deserve that kick. My two cents: It exceeded my expectations, and that says something since my expectations went into another galaxy. This is easily the best super hero movie ever, the best sequel ever, the best action movie ever. This movie was EPIC.
I concur. The best thing: It actually makes you think some! Sure, shit blows up. There are car chases. Everything you'd expect from this type of movie is here, but the world and characters don't just shake off the rubble. The damage is done, this movie understands the constraints of reality and consequence. There are many brilliant quotes, ideas, and the story is clever and it gives you intelligent twists that genuinely spark emotion, feeling, excitement and makes you think about the consequences, then it gives you those consequences.
Heh, this is probably the most we've ever agreed. As a fan of batman, I will point out one of my most pleasant surprises with the movie. *SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!* Obviously, from the trailers showing Harvey Dent I knew Two Face was coming. I expected them to give us some fuckinging cliffhanger where he becomes Two Face and then fade to title, but instead, they handle Two face within the constraints of this film, and quite well I might add. They tie up all the loose ends, and he doesn't feel rushed in. He was planned, whoever wrote the script knew what they were doing, and where they were going.
That's all we really have to say. This is probably the best rating I will ever give an action, let alone a superhero, movie. 9.8/10
The acting was perfect. The joker and two-face were truly menacing, at some points horrifying, batman was cool, the movie makes you laugh when you're supposed to laugh, it makes you cry when you are supposed to cry, and it never ever stops putting you on edge and exciting you. There isn't a single moment where I wasn't being thrilled. As I said before, best superhero movie, best sequel, and best action movie EVAR. Go see it. SEE IT GODDAMMIT! 10/10
Take that, Chie's ass. You deserve that kick. My two cents: It exceeded my expectations, and that says something since my expectations went into another galaxy. This is easily the best super hero movie ever, the best sequel ever, the best action movie ever. This movie was EPIC.
I concur. The best thing: It actually makes you think some! Sure, shit blows up. There are car chases. Everything you'd expect from this type of movie is here, but the world and characters don't just shake off the rubble. The damage is done, this movie understands the constraints of reality and consequence. There are many brilliant quotes, ideas, and the story is clever and it gives you intelligent twists that genuinely spark emotion, feeling, excitement and makes you think about the consequences, then it gives you those consequences.
Heh, this is probably the most we've ever agreed. As a fan of batman, I will point out one of my most pleasant surprises with the movie. *SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!* Obviously, from the trailers showing Harvey Dent I knew Two Face was coming. I expected them to give us some fuckinging cliffhanger where he becomes Two Face and then fade to title, but instead, they handle Two face within the constraints of this film, and quite well I might add. They tie up all the loose ends, and he doesn't feel rushed in. He was planned, whoever wrote the script knew what they were doing, and where they were going.
That's all we really have to say. This is probably the best rating I will ever give an action, let alone a superhero, movie. 9.8/10
The acting was perfect. The joker and two-face were truly menacing, at some points horrifying, batman was cool, the movie makes you laugh when you're supposed to laugh, it makes you cry when you are supposed to cry, and it never ever stops putting you on edge and exciting you. There isn't a single moment where I wasn't being thrilled. As I said before, best superhero movie, best sequel, and best action movie EVAR. Go see it. SEE IT GODDAMMIT! 10/10
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Story later
Right now I'm writing a story with Chie. It'll be posted here, EGO, and over at Young Writers Online. So yeah, expect it later today. It's set in the 1950's where a man gets a little too attached to watching Dragnet on his new TV (Why Dragnet? Because it's awesome.) and he kind of starts to become a part of the TV through some sort of metamorphosis, and anything that tries to take him away from his precious TV dies in the process. Sort of inspired by VideoDrome and that freaky Tivo sketch on Robot Chicken.
-Kadath
-Kadath
Bite
I'm like a teething baby in some ways. I've got to bite on something.
Like my finger.
I bite on the stubby little plastic antennas on our home phone system.
He also bites on my finger!
I bite on wood, plastic, lots of things. But lately I've resorted to chewing gum.
LAST NIGHT HE BIT MY DAMN FINGER AND IT HURT! But there was something even worse...
Chie, I sweartogod if you mention that on the internet I will kill you.
Yeah, whatever. He also bit really hard on my nipple and it BLED for like an hour. That freakin' hurts. Thats the last time that goes in his mouth for a loong time.
Chie, we already discussed this, I don't like talking about our sex lives on the net for weird people to read!!
Isn't this blog supposed to be made by weird people... for weird people?
You make a good point.. and I'm sorry about last night!
Well tough titties, cause you ain't getting more for awhile.
Shut up Chie. You're embarrassing me.
HAH! I win.
-Chie
-Kadath
Like my finger.
I bite on the stubby little plastic antennas on our home phone system.
He also bites on my finger!
I bite on wood, plastic, lots of things. But lately I've resorted to chewing gum.
LAST NIGHT HE BIT MY DAMN FINGER AND IT HURT! But there was something even worse...
Chie, I sweartogod if you mention that on the internet I will kill you.
Yeah, whatever. He also bit really hard on my nipple and it BLED for like an hour. That freakin' hurts. Thats the last time that goes in his mouth for a loong time.
Chie, we already discussed this, I don't like talking about our sex lives on the net for weird people to read!!
Isn't this blog supposed to be made by weird people... for weird people?
You make a good point.. and I'm sorry about last night!
Well tough titties, cause you ain't getting more for awhile.
Shut up Chie. You're embarrassing me.
HAH! I win.
-Chie
-Kadath
Friday, July 11, 2008
Spies
There are people outside the house, always staring into my window. They must be spies, they have to be spies. They want the bombs. I know it. I stare back at them, and they don't even flinch. They just stand there with their binoculars, looking into my window. I am going to go down there and castrate them if they don't stop it.
WHAT DID I TELL YOU!? MY WIFE IS A FUCKING NUTTER!!!
And that is why you love me =3.
Okay... this time I will admit that, but only because you didn't try to kill me today.
Yay! Now, back to watching those people who are watching me.
-Chie
Bah. She's just watching the local birdwatchers. But yeah, this time she is right. I gotta love her for her insanity ^-^. At least when she's not trying to kill me >_>.
-Kadath
WHAT DID I TELL YOU!? MY WIFE IS A FUCKING NUTTER!!!
And that is why you love me =3.
Okay... this time I will admit that, but only because you didn't try to kill me today.
Yay! Now, back to watching those people who are watching me.
-Chie
Bah. She's just watching the local birdwatchers. But yeah, this time she is right. I gotta love her for her insanity ^-^. At least when she's not trying to kill me >_>.
-Kadath
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